There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize