is your mom at the bar?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
