You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dicks are not precious.
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