do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
