she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
