why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
