I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
