My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
