I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
