Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
