Banned from zoo.
Again?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
