Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My life is pants optional.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
