Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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