i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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