Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Every concussion has its silver lining
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All I want is dick and wine.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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