I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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