was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
