I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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