You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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