if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
