I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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