Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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