I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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