Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
