the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
