dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
