i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
