We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
