He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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