Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
