Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
