I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Im part way to drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
