apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
