just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
