I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
