I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
