Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So vagazzling was a success
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
