First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
