If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
