peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
