well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
