You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
