Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
