I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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