so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
