i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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