But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
