tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
