Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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