You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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