My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
