The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish there were birth control emojis
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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