I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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