I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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