I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
