Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
