We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
