I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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