Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
