Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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