i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
