I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
