Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
