I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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