It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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