I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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