i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
