I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
someone threw a dead crab at me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
