You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
